Shattered
by Andauril
Summary: After the battle against Meredith, Anders had left to city end his own life as well. But Lorana Hawke is more eager than before to safe her beloved's life again and free him from the demon who's haunting him - once and forever. And so journey begins... (Sequel to "Broken", based on Rivalry Romance)
1. Chapter 1

He couldn't do it.

He had left the city to bring it do an end, but now he felt unable to do so. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her face before him. Her eyes, as green as emeralds, in her heart shaped face. Her copper hair, silken and soft. Her cherry lips – they even tasted like cherries. Her bright soft skin, hiding her strength. The nearly invisible lines of that facial tattoo she had, slightly darker than her skin. She never told him the story behind it, and someday he had forgotten to ask.

She was all silk and steel, he remembered.

And she would never appreciate what he was going to do. What he had to do.

Because she never understood, even if she was trying to. But she had also been right. How often had she tried to show him what he had become? And how often he resisted to listen?

In the end, she had succeeded, showing him his broken, shattered self. She had showed him that his presumed friend had made of him. She had forced him to atone in the cruelest possible way – fighting alongside the Templars against his fellow mages.

* * *

"_Why do you want me to this? Why not simply kill me, as Sebastian demanded? You would've done the right thing, you know?" _

_Her eyes narrowed, she shook her head. She was all steel now, not a hint of silk was in her voice while she answered._

"_No, it weren't. If I had killed you, Justice would've won." She was looking over her shoulder, glancing at the streets behind her, fearing for the desperate mages approaching her. "And you need to atone for what you've done. You know that as sure as I do."_

"_Justice is ranting inside me. I fear I cannot longer contain him…" He summoned fire into his open hands. "Why do you don't see how wrong all of this is? Meredith's insane; she's going to punish all the mages here for something I've done. And you want me to take part in it."_

"_Listen, I know she's a roaring lunatic, alright? But I don't care. I hope I can stop her from killing the innocents she will certainly hurt. She would kill me, us both, all of my friends, if I hadn't chosen the Templars. This way I can at least hope to stop her before she goes too far… to calm her down, maybe…" _

_He laughed harshly. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?"_

"_I try to." She stopped, her face hardened. "Oh, Maker… not again!"_

_She spun around, cold glow dancing around her fingers, and threw her magic against the two mages approaching them. Magical ice was covering their bodies, freezing them while she stepped back and prepared her next spell. _

_She wasn't fast enough. One of the two mages shattered the ice covering him and approached her; his face was all anger and desperation. He threw his hands at her, madness in his eyes, capturing her in four pulsating strings of raw energy – energy what was suddenly and painfully piercing through her skin. She tried to move, but she failed, the crushing prison moving with every of her steps. _

_He acted as he did a hundred times before, by throwing am exploding ball of fire against the mage. The heat was melting the ice covering the second mage. Anders stepped back, checking on his magical reserves. Taking a deep breath, he casted a large glyph around the two hostile mages. They both froze from one second to another, giving him enough time to look after his own companions._

_Especially her. _

_She was leaning against a wall not far from him, her face was pale and blood drenched her clothes and glued her hair together. _

"_Lori, no!" he moaned. "Hang in there! Please!"_

"_Damn…" she answered with a raspy voice. "Hadn't the time to counter this bloody spell. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."_

"_You need much less to worry me, you know." He sighed. _

_He heard someone screaming behind him and spun around. Something – someone – glowing was slashing the two mages he had just paralyzed with an immense greatsword, absolutely quiet and quickly. The mages had no chance, neither to flee nor to defend themselves. Blood was covering their bodies, drenching their robes and ponding beneath their feet. Anders gasped then a severed head dropped right before his feet. _

_The glowing vanquished from one moment to another, but not so the warrior. _

_Fenris frowned. His Lyrium branded body looked tensed to the bones. _

"_Hawke? How is she?" He approached the two of them, glancing at Lori – and the blood and her sores – and suddenly looked surprisingly worried. "Why haven't you healed her already?"_

_Anders was fighting the anger boiling in him. "I wanted to, Fenris. You disrupted me."_

_Fenris' frown deepened. "Good then."_

_Anders no longer paid attention to the elf. He touched his connection to the Fade and called upon it, holding his hand over her body until they started to shine with warm healing light, kissing her injured skin and flesh. Her sores closed before his eyes, with only her blood remaining. _

"_Thanks." She looked at Fenris, smiling. "To you too."_

"_Always, Hawke", the elf answered. _

_She nodded firmly and stepped back from the wall. "Have you seen any other enemies?"_

"_Yes, but they're already dead or flying."_

"_That's good, I guess." She stroke some strands of her hair off her face. "Any of the others?"_

"_I'd seen Varric. He's fine, I think, and on his way. Aveline is with her guardsmen. She will join forces with us in the Gallows."_

"_What's with Carver? Isabela? Merrill?"_

"_I haven't seen any of them."_

"_Alright then…" She squared her shoulders. "Let's move."_

* * *

Anders had left Kirkwall as soon as the fights were over. She had tried to stop him, of course she had. She wouldn't be herself if she hadn't tried to convince him otherwise. She had been always so eager to save him – from the Templars, from Justice, from himself. He had thought that he had escaped her judging eyes, her angry frown and her bidding voice. He should've known better.

There was no way of escaping her. She had haunted him in his dreams for years, and she had been in his thoughts when he was awake. Even in this moment he was still aching for her, part of him begging for her forgiveness and a second chance.

This woman had drawn him out of the last hints of his pride. I would have been easy to hate her, to loath her, but instead he had taken the difficult way – of loving her, despite the fact that she obviously wasn't interested in helping him fighting for the mages' freedom.

He sat down, sighing, burying his face in his hands.

Was it Anders who refused to die or was it Justice?

He was already a dead man.

He died a long time ago. Anders died the day he allowed Justice to inhabit his body.

He was neither the one nor the other. He was Anders and he was Justice, but they didn't make him a whole. Parts of them both had vanquished when he and the spirit had merged.

Justice wasn't Justice any longer, and neither was Anders. He always wondered if he would be still able to exist when Justice were leaving. He doubted it.

But maybe Justice could survive. Maybe return to his former self, as he himself definitely could not. Maybe, with this body deadh, Justice could return to the Fade – not as Vengeance the demon, but as the spirit he had been once.

Wasn't it worth a try?

He tried to summon fire into his hands, but nothing happened. Part of him was refusing.

* * *

_Nothing was left the Knight-Commander than a screaming Lyrium sculpture, standing right in the middle of the Gallow's courtyard, still holding that sword in its hands. The sculpture had little resemblance to Meredith. It looked grotesque, like a skeleton or a mummy, covered with red Lyrium. _

_The Templars knelt around them. It was a strange sight. _

_She appeared to be utterly surprised, frowning, stepping back from the remains of Meredith Stannard, then shaking her head. _

_Cullen was the first to rise. The Knight-Captain had surprised not only Anders by first opposing Meredith then she was about to kill a bunch of mages who had surrendered, then by refusing to help her kill Lori. Now the Templar approached her with a serious expression in his face._

"_I know, this is unusual, but the city will demand a new Viscount, Messere Hawke."_

_She lifted an eyebrow. "I'm still a mage, in case you've forgotten."_

"_What choices do we have? Dumar is dead, as is his son. Grand Cleric Elthina died in the chantry, and you've seen what happened to Meredith. You're the only person of note left."_

_Lori sighed. "That's kind of you, but I have to refuse. Magic is to serve people, not rule them. I don't desire to rule anything."_

"_Then I have to find another candidate, I guess." Cullen sighed. "Perhaps it's better that way. Can Kirkwall still count on your help, Champion?"_

_She nodded firmly. "I'm right here if you need me."_

_Turning around, she crossed the courtyard, going away from Meredith remains. Anders followed her quietly. He wished he could stay with her, but after what he had done – what Justice had done! – he felt the need to rip his own heart out or burning himself into ashes. _

_She stopped, looking towards the fires burning in Kirkwalls streets. _

"_So you're going to leave?" she said finally, her voice soundless and quiet._

"_Yes." His tongue and mouth tasted like ashes. _

"_Is there anything I can say to stop you from… doing this?"_

"_No", he answered in a low voice. _

_Finally she turned around to him. Although there were no tears in her eyes, he could sense that she was sad – and angry at him. _

"_I won't let you kill yourself. I won't lose you, listen?"_

"_To live the rest of my life as an abomination, knowing that I've done to these innocent people, to the mages, to Justice? What I've done to you?"_

"_Yes. To atone for it, every day. Do you really think this was enough?"_

"_It's all about atonement with you! You're atoning your whole life for something you had been born with!" _

"_That's ridiculous! I don't atone for being a mage, Anders."_

"_That's what you're telling yourself!" He signed. _

"_Anders… stop it. Now." Her eyes narrowed. "I won't discuss my _atonement _with you." _

_He sighed, resisted the urge to kiss her, to touch her silken skin and her soft hair. If he would give into it, he would never be able to leave. And he had to. _

"_You won't stop me. I already told you what I'm going to do." _

"_Seems I have to enchain you to keep you from this madness."_

"_As I said you once, I won't let anyone enchain me. Not even you, Sweetheart."_

"_Then leave! Throw your life away. Do you honestly believe I'll miss you?" Her voice sounded harsh and bitter, and abruptly she spun around and walked away. _

_Anders felt his heart shattering, and parts of him urged him to follow her, to say that he was sorry, that he didn't want to leave her, but be with her. He had never seen her cry. But he knew her for six years, he knew when she was deeply hurt. _

_His heart wasn't the only shattered one in this courtyard. _

_He finally managed it – breaking her heart. _

_Nothing had ever felt so horrible. Not even his overwhelming compunction._

* * *

At least she would not come after him. Would not try to stop him. He had hurt her, shattered her, and she would never forgive him. Maybe this moment she told Sebastian that she had changed her mind, that he was free to hunt him down and slay him.

But in the deeps of his soul, he knew, he was only lying to himself.

He knew her better.

He would have to end it quickly, before she appeared and did or said something that would change his mind.

Again, he tried to summon fire and this time, the hot flames were bursting out of his hands.

"Farewell" he murmured.

It was about time –


	2. Chapter 2

She refused to cry, even if the urge was overwhelming. She had cried when her father died, and after that never again. Neither when Bethany had died at that ogre's claws, nor when mother died in her arms after that bastard Quentin used his foul magic on her. She would not cry now.

Maybe he didn't know that she was behind him, following his trace. Maybe that was better.

How pathetic she was right now! But with Bodahn and Sandal away, and without him, her grand estate would feel terribly empty. There was nothing left, nothing but him, and she refused to give him up.

Rushing up the hill, her gaze saw the fire burning.

At his hands, but at least he wasn't covered yet.

"Don't you dare!" she yelled at his back.

He whirled around, but the fire didn't vanquish. Of course not.

He believed he was lost. Damn fool he was…

"Don't you dare!" she repeated, before he could say anything in response.

Her voice sounded pathetic, she hated its sound – it sounded all too desperate.

"Lori…" he managed to answer, using the pet name he gave her. "What are you doing here?"

"I told you." She grabbed his wrists before he could do something very, very stupid – like killing himself while they talked – and held them. "I won't lose you. I won't let you kill yourself."

"I'm lost, Lori. I never said anything else. And Vengeance…"

Her eyes narrowed. "Yes, you told me before. I don't care. I won't lose you, neither to your own dumbness nor to Vengeance. We will find a better way, one which doesn't include suicide."

"But maybe you cannot safe me."

She grabbed his wrists so hardly that she could hear him hiss, but the fire burning in his hands vanquished from one moment to another. Showing him the grimmest of her smiles, she stepped nearer and faced his gaze.

She so wanted to say him all the things she felt right now, watching him, holding him. All the stupid feelings she had for him – her hate, her anger, her stupid love. That he was everything left to her. That she would fight for him and his life, even if it that meant to fail and lose him forever. But she had never been good with words, not, when it came to emotions.

Instead, she said: "I will try."

He sighed, his gaze a mixture of frustration and relief. "Then I should try it too. Thank you, love."

She squared her shoulders and let go off him, watching his movements carefully. If he tried to conjure magic to kill himself again, she would punch him unconscious and drag him back to Kirkwall. Even if she doubted she was strong enough to do so.

She stepped back, clenching her fists. Thinking of Kirkwall, she already heard Sebastian's warnings again. That he would return and attack the city – and everyone within – just to capture and finally kill Anders for what he had done. Her decision to let him life had possibly doomed the whole city. Starkhaven was larger than Kirkwall, and thus had the greater army.

"We should return", she said finally. "As long as you are with me, nobody will dare to harm you." At least, that was what she hoped for. "We should… consider that we must do next, and I better have all my allies around me when I do it."

"Return? To Kirkwall? Are you insane?"

"Do you have any better ideas?" Her eyes narrowed.

"You stop me from killing myself and then you want me to… you know they will attack me on sight!"

"Your fade was mine to decide…" She damn hated it if he was right. Of course he had a point. The battles were over, but the city was still recovering from the fights and there was nothing left of the chantry but rubble. The chantry _Anders _had blown up using the ingredients she helped him to gather. He had made her his accomplice to destroy a whole, fucking great building of faith and everyone within!

In fact, she wouldn't wonder if the citizens attacked her too.

What did it matter that she was the Champion, if she let the grand clerics murderer live? And truth was, if he had been another man, she had killed him immediately and thus fulfilled Sebastian's need for revenge.

But the grand cleric's murderer was also the man she was hopelessly in love with. Her feelings had spared her hand.

"We will use one the old smuggler tunnels to get inside", she told Anders. "One, who lead us into Darktown. From where, we will sneak into my estate. I hope you still have the key?"

He nodded and showed it to her.

She ignored the look on his face which called her an insane. He could be perfectly right, but she didn't want to think about it. Not know. She would bring him into the city – safely. And then… she would find a way to deal with all the rest, including Sebastian and his army and Vengeance.

She turned around, signing Anders to follow her. After seven years, she knew Kirkwall's surroundings like the back of her hand. Walking down the hill, she could sense Anders' presence like burning fire at her back and suppressed a sigh.

Unbidden thoughts appeared in her mind and she pushed them aside. Not now. They needed to get into the city first, and then… She guessed there would be other things to do, more urgent things. And she had to focus on them first.

She felt Anders' eyes piercing her neck while she searched for an entrance to one the old smuggler tunnels, leading to Darktown… It took some hours until she found one of them, finally.

It was a natural cave, leading into some unnatural tunnels, built from unknown smugglers years over years ago. Darkness started to surround her a few steps later. She cursed to herself, kneeling down and searched the ground for some knots to craft a provisory torch.

"What are you doing?"

She suppressed a sign, but her voice still sounded angry and strained. "We have no light, in case you didn't notice!"

He touched her, he dared to… "Lori, you're a mage. Since when do you a need a torch or a candle to-"

She escaped his touch. "Oh yes, please remind me!"

He was _fast_, grabbing her wrist and hold her. "I know… Lori, you _need _to get rid of that fear."

"Don't tell me what I need!" she hissed at him.

He would never understand. His magic had always been something wonderful to him, but she knew it better. Her last doubts about her own questionable _gift _had faded the day she saw that Quentin had done to her mother, using magic. She had never asked for this. She had never wanted any of this!

Anders sighed and let go off her, summoning a small, light blue spark to enlighten their way.

"You didn't hesitate to use your magic in battle."

She knew which battle he meant. The last battle… the Annulment. And he sounded way too reproachful.

"It all happened so fast. I was barely able to gather my bow while the whole city was burning and panicking, Anders!"

"Did you lose control? Become an abomination? Harm someone you loved?"

She didn't answer. If she would, she had to admit that he _had _a point, and this was the last thing she wanted right now. Of course she could control her magic – her father had been a good teacher, to her and to Bethany. But to call upon her magic was equal to allow demons to whisper right into her mind. Sooner or later.

He had no right to judge her. He was the one who willingly let a spirit into his soul, who – of course – soon turned into a demon himself.

She wouldn't share Anders with a demon.

"You know I have a point", she heard him say.

She stayed silent.

Anders sighed, and she felt his gaze at her face, both angered and caring. Immediately, she quickened her steps.

They both didn't speak a word while they traversed the tunnels. Darkness surrounded them, but Anders' magical light drove it back, showing them pillars of stone and puddles of dropping water. Whispering sounds preyed upon them, the air was hot and humid. It certainly didn't help that it was summer.

When they finally reached the entrance, Lorana sighed in relief. Her hair clued on her cheeks, piercing her eye's corners, and her was way too hot.

After the hot and humid air at the tunnels, the dusky air in Darktown was near to refreshing.

"Now I remember why I stopped using these tunnels…" She stroked some strands of her hair off her face.

She glanced at Anders and stepped back, so he could lead the way. He knew Darktown better than her, and she felt urged to return as soon as possible at her mansion. If the estate was still there… Maybe the explosion and the falling rubble had destroyed it, too.

The mere thought… the mansion had been her home for almost six years. She had to hope it was still intact.

She followed Anders through Darktown dusk clouded tunnels, where it was always dark and dusky, and with every step, she missed her bow badly. She could still use her magic to defend herself, but she felt never safe when she called upon it. Her bow responded much more predictable.

The entrance to her estate's cellar came in sight and the two of them quickened their steps almost in unison. Glancing at him, she saw that he was equally relieved to see how close they were to their home – because it was home to both them, even if…

She would need to talk to him, but not now. Other things would be more urgent.

* * *

She found the estate undamaged and sighed in relief while she wandered through the empty rooms. The explosion had done no harm to her mother's childhood home.

It looked all like she had left it. Was it really just a day ago? It felt like half a life. There was no fire burning at the chimney anymore, and the quiet felt lasting and unnatural. To life her, the rest of her life, alone… The mere thought frightened her.

But she wouldn't be alone. She wouldn't be forced to life here, without any company, alone in this great estate, with no family left. Besides Gamlen, who didn't want to life her… and whom she did not like very much.

She pushed this pathetic thoughts aside and raised her voice…

"Bodahn! Go an-" She stopped herself and shook her head, cursing at herself.

The dwarf and his so-called son were gone. There were just herself and Anders now. She would have to do it herself; there were no servants she could send anymore.

"You should better not leave this place!" she called in Anders' direction. "I will go and bring them here."

She didn't wait for his answer, crossing the lobby and left the estate through its main door. She could already sense what this would be going to be a very long day…


End file.
